A lady from HR approaches me and a couple coworkers around my desk. “Hey, are any of you guys going to enter your dog in our Cutest Dog contest? Submissions are due by the end of the week!” (Note: This is the sort of shit that they think makes this company a “great place to work.) One of my coworkers said that I should enter my dog. I declined, but the HR lady asked to see a picture.

I opened my phone and pulled up a cute picture of Izzy (is there any other kind?) and showed it to her. The HR lady made a face and laughed. “I said the CUTEST dog, not the ugliest dog!”

Everything went silent. My coworkers gasped. A tumbleweed may or may not have blown through. The look on the HR lady’s face showed that she understood the magnitude of her faux pas.

I just stared at her. Didn’t blink. Didn’t breathe. Just gave her my best death look. She became visibly uncomfortable and walked away without saying another word. When she closes her eyes tonight, I hope she sees me staring at her. I will haunt her dreams. You do not insult a man’s dog.